FireQuill Publications
The
Short Stories, Plays and Bible Studies of Kathy Kearney
The
Short Stories, Plays and Bible Studies of Kathy Kearney
Your Subtitle text
I Can't Take It Anymore
I remember fear. The kind that wakes you in the night gloating over its devastation of yesterday while threatening worse for tomorrow. I remember lying there shaking, jerky breaths forcing its way past a tight throat. Slipping out of bed, I would kneel in our den with my Bible, frantically clutching at verses from the Psalms, pleading with God to deliver me from this overwhelming as one hopeless day gave way to another.
Agoraphobia: fear of the marketplace. This unrelenting terror stalked into every room of my life demanding dominion and dread—a world without end, until I dreaded anyplace away from the safety and security of home.
Agoraphobia: fear of the marketplace. This unrelenting terror stalked into every room of my life demanding dominion and dread—a world without end, until I dreaded anyplace away from the safety and security of home.
When did it start? I can't say. Somewhere along the way, my shyness became a monster of uncontrollable dimension until much of the past twenty years was an everyday wrestling match with the overwhelming desire to venture less and less into the world outside my front door. The days when I wrestled less, was due only to the wonderful grace of God.
Through those years our three children never discerned my fear. I never talked about it. A mistake? Perhaps. I guess I was afraid they might "catch it." I seldom told anyone, and when I did my words were vague and carefully chosen. You see, fear is like the child molester who threatens the victim with awful reprisals for telling. Long to share it with someone, and it whispers, "Tell anyone, and I'll become even worse. I'll drive every friend away. I'll make them think that you're bad and crazy, and should be locked away."
During the second year of our marriage, I finally told my husband, Dewey. And then only because our relationship was threatened by my resistance to discussing the times I refused to leave the house.
His response to my tearful confession blessed and astounded me. "Let's pray. God knows how to handle this. You are not crazy and I am not leaving you. I love you, Kathy." With that he knelt with me in his arms and prayed. Never did this wise, gentle man say, "Get a grip, woman!” His love for me coupled with his faith in God kept me from going under.
Throughout the years of child rearing, drama ministry, Bible teaching and writing and speaking, God answered my husband's prayers, and gave me His grace. I went in that grace – that amazing grace, on vacations, retreats and other places. That same grace carried me on those days when going to the market for a loaf of bread took every ounce of the prayerful courage God always gave me.
Looking back, it seems such an enigma. Our home was happy and filled with laughter. I loved inviting people in. There was always something going on in our home -- Bible studies, a back yard barbecue, parties or games. God was teaching me to rejoice and even enjoy peace in the midst of the fire. Yet, I knew the monster of fear would lock me in my home and never let me out if I allowed it.
During those years the Bible became my shield of sanity. I loved teaching Bible studies; often remarking to my classes, "How can anyone get through life without God and His Word?" Wasn't I living proof?
I served on the staff of a local church as drama director. One year at the peak of a successful drama season, the fear became more constant; as though punishing me for success.
One day, I read II Corinthians 12 where Paul talks about his thorn in the flesh. Three times he begged God to remove it, three times God told him that His strength was perfected in Paul's weakness. Paul agreed with God that boasting in his affliction, not begging for its removal, brought glory to God.
Deeply stirred by this passage, I knelt and prayed, "Father, I have begged you hundreds of times to remove this thorn from me, but you never have. If then, this thorn brings you glory, I thank you for it and I will never again ask you to take it from me." I stood up firm in this new resolve.
The phobia became even worse!
But I kept thanking Him and began to tell others. I started with my Bible study group. Of course, no one called me crazy. They returned next week, so I guess they concluded I wasn't too crazy to teach. In the ensuing weeks they were shining jewels of love and prayer in my life. Their comfort and assurance of acceptance and faith made my faltering steps into God's grace more sure.
I took another step of faith from God's Word. Luke 17: 11 - 14, tells about the healing of ten lepers. Jesus told them to go show themselves to the priests; a strange command since they still had leprosy. But as they turned to obey Jesus, verse 14 says, ". . .as they were going, they were cleansed." I promised God that I would go wherever He sent me.
About a week later, a friend from Albuquerque called. "Come be one of the workshop leaders at our retreat."
"Go out of state -- in an airplane! Come on, Lord. I have my limits." (I envisioned the quizzical lift of the celestial eyebrow over that announcement.) I remembered my promise.
"Okay. You have no limits. I am going to go on that plane, and if they take me off babbling and drooling, I'll be babbling and drooling in Albuquerque." I called my friend and told her I would be there.
The Sunday before leaving while sitting in the church service it seemed that everything and everyone around me seemed to fade away. It seemed as though God said, This trial is over."
Startled I looked about me. Was this real, I questioned?
"Lord," I prayed. "If this is not just wishful thinking or some head game, have Dot wait for me after the service."
My friend, Dot, was seated three rows in front of me. One of the busiest women in our church, the last word of the benediction was her springboard into action, usually off and running before I stood up.
But this Sunday there, waiting at the end of her row, was Dot; a questioning look on her face. "Kathy, during the benediction I had the strongest feeling that you wanted to tell me something."
Goose bumps the size of cantaloupes took up residence on my arms. I whisked her off to a quiet corner and told her what happened. I told my husband when we got home, I told my women's Bible study group the next week, and then I flew to Albuquerque. Guess what? Not a babble did I babble, not a drool did I drool. It was over, the long journey was over -- at least that one.
While the healing means much to me, I glean from the pages of Scripture that it is not the healing alone that glorifies God. I believe when I stand before the judgment seat of Christ, the glory I give to Him will be the walk -- the terrible, wonderful jeweled walk into unknown places with fear and trembling. I see in my mind's eye, as I stand there with Christ in heaven, how He will put his arm about me, and point to a blazing instant replay that shows Kathy dancing on hind's feet across every mountain that in her earthly mind had loomed so threateningly in her path. "See, how faithful the Father was?" He will say to me. "See how you were never left alone for a moment? How you were never out of the sight of our grace and mercy. That's the glory, child."
Then will I shout through tears of laughter, "Thank you for Your grace that never failed. Thank you again for the awesome gift that glorified You and made You more real to me."
Ah, the timing and grace of God! Your trial, your illness, your affliction will not last one moment longer or end one moment sooner than His eternal loving design has ordained. But in its midst I can promise you the sufficient grace of God so richly offered moment by agonizing moment basis.
You see, I learned that when you just can't take anymore, you can -- with Him.
* From a note in Kathy’s Bible – the above happened approximately 1986.
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Through those years our three children never discerned my fear. I never talked about it. A mistake? Perhaps. I guess I was afraid they might "catch it." I seldom told anyone, and when I did my words were vague and carefully chosen. You see, fear is like the child molester who threatens the victim with awful reprisals for telling. Long to share it with someone, and it whispers, "Tell anyone, and I'll become even worse. I'll drive every friend away. I'll make them think that you're bad and crazy, and should be locked away."
During the second year of our marriage, I finally told my husband, Dewey. And then only because our relationship was threatened by my resistance to discussing the times I refused to leave the house.
His response to my tearful confession blessed and astounded me. "Let's pray. God knows how to handle this. You are not crazy and I am not leaving you. I love you, Kathy." With that he knelt with me in his arms and prayed. Never did this wise, gentle man say, "Get a grip, woman!” His love for me coupled with his faith in God kept me from going under.
Throughout the years of child rearing, drama ministry, Bible teaching and writing and speaking, God answered my husband's prayers, and gave me His grace. I went in that grace – that amazing grace, on vacations, retreats and other places. That same grace carried me on those days when going to the market for a loaf of bread took every ounce of the prayerful courage God always gave me.
Looking back, it seems such an enigma. Our home was happy and filled with laughter. I loved inviting people in. There was always something going on in our home -- Bible studies, a back yard barbecue, parties or games. God was teaching me to rejoice and even enjoy peace in the midst of the fire. Yet, I knew the monster of fear would lock me in my home and never let me out if I allowed it.
During those years the Bible became my shield of sanity. I loved teaching Bible studies; often remarking to my classes, "How can anyone get through life without God and His Word?" Wasn't I living proof?
I served on the staff of a local church as drama director. One year at the peak of a successful drama season, the fear became more constant; as though punishing me for success.
One day, I read II Corinthians 12 where Paul talks about his thorn in the flesh. Three times he begged God to remove it, three times God told him that His strength was perfected in Paul's weakness. Paul agreed with God that boasting in his affliction, not begging for its removal, brought glory to God.
Deeply stirred by this passage, I knelt and prayed, "Father, I have begged you hundreds of times to remove this thorn from me, but you never have. If then, this thorn brings you glory, I thank you for it and I will never again ask you to take it from me." I stood up firm in this new resolve.
The phobia became even worse!
But I kept thanking Him and began to tell others. I started with my Bible study group. Of course, no one called me crazy. They returned next week, so I guess they concluded I wasn't too crazy to teach. In the ensuing weeks they were shining jewels of love and prayer in my life. Their comfort and assurance of acceptance and faith made my faltering steps into God's grace more sure.
I took another step of faith from God's Word. Luke 17: 11 - 14, tells about the healing of ten lepers. Jesus told them to go show themselves to the priests; a strange command since they still had leprosy. But as they turned to obey Jesus, verse 14 says, ". . .as they were going, they were cleansed." I promised God that I would go wherever He sent me.
About a week later, a friend from Albuquerque called. "Come be one of the workshop leaders at our retreat."
"Go out of state -- in an airplane! Come on, Lord. I have my limits." (I envisioned the quizzical lift of the celestial eyebrow over that announcement.) I remembered my promise.
"Okay. You have no limits. I am going to go on that plane, and if they take me off babbling and drooling, I'll be babbling and drooling in Albuquerque." I called my friend and told her I would be there.
The Sunday before leaving while sitting in the church service it seemed that everything and everyone around me seemed to fade away. It seemed as though God said, This trial is over."
Startled I looked about me. Was this real, I questioned?
"Lord," I prayed. "If this is not just wishful thinking or some head game, have Dot wait for me after the service."
My friend, Dot, was seated three rows in front of me. One of the busiest women in our church, the last word of the benediction was her springboard into action, usually off and running before I stood up.
But this Sunday there, waiting at the end of her row, was Dot; a questioning look on her face. "Kathy, during the benediction I had the strongest feeling that you wanted to tell me something."
Goose bumps the size of cantaloupes took up residence on my arms. I whisked her off to a quiet corner and told her what happened. I told my husband when we got home, I told my women's Bible study group the next week, and then I flew to Albuquerque. Guess what? Not a babble did I babble, not a drool did I drool. It was over, the long journey was over -- at least that one.
While the healing means much to me, I glean from the pages of Scripture that it is not the healing alone that glorifies God. I believe when I stand before the judgment seat of Christ, the glory I give to Him will be the walk -- the terrible, wonderful jeweled walk into unknown places with fear and trembling. I see in my mind's eye, as I stand there with Christ in heaven, how He will put his arm about me, and point to a blazing instant replay that shows Kathy dancing on hind's feet across every mountain that in her earthly mind had loomed so threateningly in her path. "See, how faithful the Father was?" He will say to me. "See how you were never left alone for a moment? How you were never out of the sight of our grace and mercy. That's the glory, child."
Then will I shout through tears of laughter, "Thank you for Your grace that never failed. Thank you again for the awesome gift that glorified You and made You more real to me."
Ah, the timing and grace of God! Your trial, your illness, your affliction will not last one moment longer or end one moment sooner than His eternal loving design has ordained. But in its midst I can promise you the sufficient grace of God so richly offered moment by agonizing moment basis.
You see, I learned that when you just can't take anymore, you can -- with Him.
* From a note in Kathy’s Bible – the above happened approximately 1986.
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Resume On A Budget
Just what the doctor ordered! Interview & Resume help without breaking the bank.
www.ResumeHelpBlog.com — Let us help you improve your situation!
