Scripture: II Corinthians 4

    IN GOING WE ARE HEALED

By Kathy Kearney

Agoraphobia: fear of the marketplace.  I was afraid of anyplace away from the safety and security of home.  This unrelenting terror, had stalked into my life exacting a terrible dominion, and for more than 20 years told me that I would always live in its horrible world without end.     

It's the sort of fear that awakens you in the night, taunting you with yesterday's terror as it threatens the day to come.  Lying there; heart pounding, throat tight, breathing in jerky pants, I would frantically clutch at verses from the Psalms, begging God for deliverance from this plague.

When did it start?  I can't say when shyness evolved into this monster of disobedient dimension.  My three children never knew of my fear.  I never talked about it.  I seldom told anyone, and when I did my words were vague and carefully chosen.  After all, I didn't want people to think I was crazy.

You see, fear is like the child molester who threatens victims with awful reprisals for telling.  Long to share it with someone, and it whispers, "Tell anyone, and I'll become even worse.  I'll drive every friend away.  I'll make them think that you're bad and crazy, and should be locked up." 

Throughout the years of child rearing, drama ministry, Bible teaching, writing and Inside-California-retreat-speaking, God answered my husband's prayers, and gave me His grace.  I went in that grace -- oh, such amazing grace, on vacations, retreats and other places of terror like grocery stores, and malls.        What an paradoxical world I lived in.  While I battled with my emotions, our home was happy and rich with humor and laughter.  I loved it when friends filled the house during Bible studies, back yard barbecues, dinner parties and holiday celebrations.  You see, God was teaching me to rejoice and yes, to experience peace in the midst of the fire.  But I knew, if I allowed it, the monster of fear would lock me in my home and never let me out. 

The Bible was my shield of sanity.  I loved teaching Bible studies; often remarking to my classes, "How can anyone get through life without God and His Word?"  Wasn't I living proof?

One year at the peak of a successful drama season, the fear became more constant; as though punishing me for success. 

While studying II Corinthians 12 where Paul talks about his thorn in the flesh I read that three times he begged God to remove it, three times God told him that His strength was perfected in Paul's weakness, and that His grace was sufficient.  Paul concluded that if his affliction glorified God, He would no longer ask for its removal.

Deeply stirred by this passage, I knelt and prayed,  "Father, I have begged you hundreds of times to remove this thorn from me, but you have not.  If this thorn brings you glory then I will never again ask you to take it from me." 

Guess what?

The phobia became even worse!   

But I kept thanking God and I began telling others beginning with my Bible study group.  In the ensuing weeks they were shining jewels of love and prayer in my life.  Not one rejected me, or told me I was unfit to be their Bible study teacher.  No one suggested that I resign from my post as drama director.

Then came another step of faith from Luke 17: 11 - 14, the healing of ten lepers.  Jesus told them to go show themselves to the priests; a strange command since they still had leprosy.  But as they turned to obey Jesus, verse 14 reports, ". . .In going, they were healed."  I promised God that I would go wherever He sent me. 

"Come be a workshop leader at our church's retreat." phoned a friend from Albuquerque.

"Go out of state -- in an airplane!  Come on, Lord.  I have my limits."  (I could almost feel the quizzical lift of the celestial eyebrow over that announcement.)  

"Okay, Lord." I sheepishly confessed.  "You have no limits.  I am going to go on that plane, and if they take me off babbling and drooling, I'll be babbling and drooling in Albuquerque."  I called my friend and told her I would come.

The Sunday before leaving while sitting in the church service it seemed as though God plucked me out of the service.  I felt rather than heard Him whisper, "This trial is over.  The lessons have been learned."

Startled I looked about me.  Was this real?

            "Lord," I prayed. "If this is not just wishful thinking or some head game, have my friend, Dot, wait for me after the service."   Dot, to whom the last words of the benediction were a launching pad into seeing people and arranging activities.  Dot, who had never lingered at the end of a pew in her whole Christian life.

But waiting in the aisle, and the end of her pews was Dot with a puzzled expression. "Kathy, during the benediction I had the strongest feeling that you wanted to tell me something."  Boy, did I ever!           

Three days later, I flew to Albuquerque.  Not a babble did I babble, not a drop did I drool.  It was over, the long journey was over -- at least that one.

While the release from those fears, and the dreadful feelings that accompanied them, means much to me, I know from Scripture that it is not healing alone that glorifies God.  I believe when I stand before the throne of Christ, the place where we receive our rewards, the glory I give to Him will be the obedient walk -- the terrible, wonderful, faith-refining walk into unknown places in spite of fear and trembling.  

I'm here today to tell you that the glorious new life God has given us through Jesus Christ, dwells in an old clay pot, "for we hold this treasure in earthen vessels that the glory may be God's."

We all serve from imperfect vessels, but serve we must.

For years Brother Andrew put off God's call to become a missionary.  He had been wounded in battle and a severely damaged ankle prevented him from walking for any length of time.  But God kept insisting that he go into a ministry of evangelism.   

One day Brother Andrew rode his bike out of the village where he lived to spend a day in prayer about this.  He sat on rock and wrestled with God.  During that time he remembered the story of the ten lepers, and that in going they were healed.  He stood up and announced to God, that even with agonizing pain in that leg, he was going to go until he dropped.  He turned to leave and felt something fall into his sock.  There lying in the folds of his sock was a large piece of shrapnel.  With it removed he began his ministry for God that has spanned decades and countries, with thousands coming to know Christ.  In going he was healed.

Some of you have suffered terrible things emotionally and physically, some of you still are suffering, but don't let Satan or the world con you into the idea that God has no plan for you to carry out until you are 100% perfect.  When we obey God the healing process moves along.  When we stop to wallow in self-pity and fear, the healing stops, and we regress.

          Ways to Handle Suffering and Emotional Problems

1.  Read the Bible

2.  Pray

3.  If you're ashamed of your fear or problem, ask God to lead you to a person with whom you can open up without fear of judgment.  Remember, secrecy is the fertilizer of fear, but openness kills it dead.

4.  Ask God to lead you to people who will hold you accountable, and will covenant to pray for you.  Who will say lovingly and firmly, O.K. now, it happened it was terrible, but you can forgive, and move on.

5.  Learn to spot the victim mentality in your life.  The only power fear has is the power you give it.  Feelings, you can't help.  You may do many things that God calls you to do, and have feelings of dread and futility, but don't listen to them, listen to God.

6.  If you fail, ask God to forgive you, and set you on your way again. 

7.  Don't make promises to God.  You'll break them.  Ask for His grace to do His will.  He loves to give it in abundance. 

Phil. 2: 13 reads, "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

8.  Don't put time limits on trials and suffering.  The Phillips translation in James 1 tells us to “rejoice when all kinds of trials enter our lives, and to welcome them as friends.  Because they are making us into what God wants us to be”. 

You see, J.B. Phillips suffered from attacks of clinical depression all his life.  God never healed him, and his bouts were long, severe and repeated, but out of his life was pressed this magnificent paraphrase that comforted many through the German air raids of London during World War II.

Did I do it right, when I suffered from Agoraphobia.  Of course not.  You don't know about the times I made excuses to not travel with a friend to an unknown place, or the way I would arrange my schedule so I didn't have to go to the store.  I blew it all the time, but God kept me going.  Because I went more times in his grace than the times I stayed at home in fear.

A friend gave me an acrostic for the word fear once.  False Evidence Assumed Real.  (The Bible) This is the only evidence we need.  We must begin here, for it is here we end.

You are frightened, fighting beasts from your past, but remember, the past is just that; the past.  God has a future for you.  Only you can imprison yourself in the past.  God loves you, he isn't angry with you, he isn't condemning you.  He will not force you to take the next step.

Do you know how my agoraphobia started.  From my grandmother with whom I spent a lot of time because my mother was ill so much when I was small.  She terrorized me with horrible stories and threats.  What did I know, she was an adult and when she judged me and called me names, and promised terrible things would happen to me.  I believed her.

Even now, I can fall back into that negative memory bank.  I can make excuses for not doing something.  I did it this summer.  Vi and I were on a trip to San Luis Obispo.  Now that's a big trip for me.  But I really enjoyed the drive up.  Mostly because Vi let me drive her beautiful new car.  And I especially loved the resort where we stayed.  And I really like being with Vi.  We've known each other for many years, and she's a dear friend.  But away, I'm reveling in my accomplished journeying to San Luis and she says innocently one night as we're getting ready for bed.  "Lets drive up to Carmel tomorrow.  You'll love it." 

Boing!  Hey Carmel is 200 miles beyond San Luis Obispo.  I was far enough away from home, I had my limits.  I heard the other celestial eyebrow raise.  "Limits, did I hear limits."  But still I wrestled.  And Vi knew I was wrestling.  I went into the bathroom (every mothers favorite wrestling place).  And I heard God say, "Kathy, taking up where your grandmother left off?"  Such humor God has.  I laughed and said, "o.k. God, I'm going to Carmel.  I did.  Had a wonderful day.

Did I share this with Vi?  Of course, she's a friend to whom I like to be accountable.  She prays for me, and I trust her.  But she expects me to do the will of God.

 Romans 8:37 says we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us, Jesus Christ.

One day, we will thank God for the hard times more than the easy.  One day, we will fully realize how glorious those times were, and what a fruit it reaped.  One day.  You want to know when?  I can tell you, Hebrews 10:36,37 says you have need of endurance so that when you have done the will of God you can receive what is promised.  FOR YET IN A VERY LITTLE WHILE.